My Diary
Hi! My name is Liesel Siobhan Gulden and this is my diary.
Daddy didn’t know it for a long time, but he finally figured out that
I’ve been with him from the beginning. Daddy discovered me in the spring
of 1997, but I’ll tell you about that later. You may have been puzzled
about why I refer to the adult male part of me as Daddy. Well, that’s
because I’m ten years old and it seems like the right thing to do. I’m a
‘50s sort of girl; I respect my elders, I always try to be considerate
and polite, and I dress in the style of that time. I just don’t feel
right without a petticoat under my dress or skirt. My most favorite
color is yellow, then pink and white. I love classical music. I think
American Girl Stories and Dolls are the best; my favorite is Samantha. I
love to take pictures, sew, color, cook, and make things with my
computer. Sailor Moon is my all time favorite cartoon; I think I’m quite
a bit like Sailor Mercury.
Since Daddy discovered me he decided there should be some ways that I
could be more active in the world. Daddy started taking pictures when he
was very young and as he looked back on it he decided that it was my
part of him that was really responsible for certain strengths and
talents he seemed to have. That’s why this web site on photography is
mine.
I have made may new friends since I starting exploring the web. In fact
Aunt Tessy of Petticoat Pond discovered me. Petticoat Pond was the first
place Daddy found on the web where he got some clues the he might not be
the only guy in the world that dressed up. Daddy started writing to Aunt
Tessy and after a while Aunt Tessy concluded that Daddy was really a
little girl inside. Well, I’ll let him tell you all about that part.
After that Aunt Tessy adopted me as her niece and let me make some
things for Petticoat Pond. I wrote the pages on sewing and I added the
little animations to Pouffy the Bunny. Aunt Tessy’s S.O. made Pouffy in
the first place. Daddy was glad ‘cause it gave me something fun to do.
Aunt Tessy’s Very Nice like that; she’s always trying to find ways to
make people feel at home. After a while Aunt Tessy thought that I should
have a friend and she introduced me to Melissa Ann Rose. Melissa and I
started writing back and forth; we talked about lots of things like tea
parties, dolls, and clothes. Our Daddy’s wrote to each other often too
and they got to be good friends. Melissa Ann is eight and after a while
we decided to adopt each other as sisters. I heard that some girls don’t
like their little sisters, but Not Me; I think Melissa Ann is the best!
little sister anyone could have. Since then we’ve made lot’s of friends
and we send e’mail to each other often to keep in touch. We chat in
Aunt Tessy’s chat room, and we also planned our first get together (Camp);
it's been lots of fun. Sometimes a nasty boy or a meanie
will come into chat, but we chase them away. Our Daddy’s warned us about
people like that and we don’t put up with it.
This link will take you to:
My Camp Report For Spring 1998
I know I’m not a real little girl and I understand that my little girl
life is a very select portion of what a real little girl’s life is.
There is though, a part of Daddy, that is me. In fact I am sort of
Daddy’s natural state in many ways. Though he never wanted to be a real
girl, there are aspects of girl hood (if you will) that he finds more
natural than the man things he has had to learn.
Now that Daddy knows about me I get to have fun even when I’m not
visible (dressed up pretty). Daddy allows me to be active in many
aspects of his everyday life. I’m the one that listens to the birdies
singing and watches the clouds playing on the wind. When Daddy’s walking
from one place to another he often gives that time to allow me to think
about my things; I usually give him a smile. Sometimes it brings a tear
of joy to Daddy’s eye as he thinks about how wonderful it is that he
finally knows and understands my part of him. Sometimes Daddy even lets
me do the talking when he thinks I’ll do better than he would, I don't
use some sort of fake girl voice, but none the less I bring a
sensitivity and a "life is for fun" approach to a conversation that
Daddy hasn’t had since he was a little boy. Sometimes people that have
known Daddy for sometime can tell something special is going on, but
they aren’t quite sure what. There is one lady I think can sense that
she’s talking to a girl when Daddy lets me talk, but she doesn’t
understand. That’s because even though Daddy’s never been a macho type
he’s generally seen as a no non-sense man. I giggle inside when someone
can sort of tell I’m there, but can’t really figure it out.
Oh I’m so very excited; fall camp is coming up soon. I can’t wait to see
my friends again and meet the new girls that will be there this time. My
sister Melissa is helping with the plans for camp this time and she’s
been getting ideas from the others. This time we’re making time for
Hopscotch, Ring ‘round Rosie, and I plan to practice my Skipping!
Daddy’s planning to get a Sailor Moon book bag for me so it will be
easier to carry my stuff around.
Now that brother is getting older, he is sometimes away from home for
most of a day on a weekend. That’s very nice for me ‘cause then I get to
become visible. I love to dress up pretty. I usually wear a white blouse
with a skirt. I like dresses for special occasions, but I don’t have one
yet. That’s Okay; Daddy will get me one. The problem is finding one I
like. Most of the "little girl" styles I see on the web aren’t the sort
of thing I’m interested in. I want the styles Daddy saw in the stores
when he was little, but scaled up to fit me. I’d love to have a red,
bouffant style, jumper for camp. Daddy doesn’t have any idea where he
can get one for me. Sailor Mercury is one of my favorite characters and
she is the Princess of Mercury. I’d also love to have a chiffon gown of
the sort a princess my age would wear at court. I hope Daddy finds a
place he can get dresses for me. This isn’t a big problem for me though
since bouffant style skirts and white blouses are my favorite things to
wear. Sometimes I like to tie a nice ribbon around the collar of my
blouse or wear my Pooh Bear pin. Sometimes I wear a straight skirt if
I’m playing at my computer or doing something else like cooking where
petticoats would get in the way or might get damaged.
The movie Madeline just came here and I got to go. Oh it was wonderful!
Madeline is kind, understanding, brave, and pretty. Madeline and the
other girls at the school have many super adventures; she even saves the
boy next door from bad people that kidnapped the two of them. I cried a
few times when there was a sad part or a very happy part. I don’t think
Mommy knew what to think ‘cause to her it looked like Daddy was crying.
I was talking with one of my younger little girl friends and she
remarked how some of the older little girls seemed to be uncomfortable
around her. They treat her well, but not warmly. she is 3 and she thinks
it has something to do with her age. I think she’s right, it’s sort of
the same way some adult CDs don’t feel comfortable with CD little girls.
Some of it might have to do with how much time someone has spent around
children and if they like children in the first place. Besides that we
are very special girls 'cause our Daddy is part of us. Even though my
friend is 3 and I am 10 we still have understanding beyond our years. I
think this is quite obvious to those around us and sort of emphasizes
the view of "but you’re not really a little girl" and "why would you
want to be a little girl anyway?". Since adult activities aren’t part of
a little girls life adult CDs don’t understand why we would "want" to be
little. The answer is that it’s not a matter of "want", it’s a matter of
"are". Speaking for myself and many of the little girls I know, we are
the age we are because that’s how we feel in our hearts. I think the
same principle applies when an older little girl is considering why a
younger little girl would want to be the age they are. The older girl
thinks in terms of the things they like and the things they can do at
their age and don’t understand why someone would want to be younger
being able to do and enjoy fewer things. In many cases the answer is the
same; they are their age because that's how old they are inside. There
is another part to this Daddy is part of me circumstance where we have
knowledge and ability beyond our years. Some adult little girls rebel
against this and exaggerate their childishness to mask their true
nature. It's important, I think, to be who we are; that helps people
feel comfortable with us ‘cause they don’t sense that we aren’t what we
seem.
This link will take you to:
My Camp Report For Fall 1998
I think you know by now that I love Ballet. During the holidays Daddy
took me to see the Nutcracker twice! The first time was in November when
a company from another state in the USA came to present the Nutcracker.
During the party scene, Drosselmeir brings in two life size magic dolls
to dance for the children. I thought the girl doll danced just perfect;
you could really believe she was a doll and when her dance is over she
ends up sort of bent over with her arms and legs stiff just like she
“ran down”. When Drosselmeir picks her up to carry her out she keeps her
arms and legs perfectly stiff just like a real doll would. The best part
is a girl about my age danced the girl doll's part. That made me feel
real good inside because I thought if she can dance like that then maybe
I can too.
Just about every time a Ballet like the Nutcracker is done it’s done a
little differently than the last time the same company did it. There is
also lots of difference between how different companies do a given
Ballet. Daddy and I have seen the Nutcracker six times now and none of
the performances have been the same. One of the things I noticed is that
Ballet companies from this country seem to perform sort of like they are
doing a sport. The boys and girls seem to compete on who can pirouette
the most, who can lift higher, who can leap the longest and so on. The
audience seems to like this approach because they applaud to the best
lifts, most pirouettes, and so on. The Russian companies seem to
concentrate most on making the Ballet beautiful. They certainly do lift
high and all those other things too, but you can tell that those aren’t
their point. The main thing they seem to work at is to make it a
beautiful story told by beautiful expressive dancing. The audience seems
to be confused by this; they start to applaud for the high lifts and so
on, but then they stop quickly when it’s clear that the performers
aren’t expecting applause then. We clearly need to go to the Ballet more
often.
I guess I am biased because the very first time I saw the Nutcracker it
was being performed by the Kirov Ballet Company from St. Petersburg
Russia. That company is where the Nutcracker was first performed. Mr.
Petipa choreographed the Ballet and Mr. Tchaikovsky wrote the music. The
version I saw was The Original Nutcracker where the company performed
the Ballet in the way it was first performed. Watching that performance
was wonderful beyond description and it sort of set how I expect the
Nutcracker to be done. Twice since then, the last time being in December
of 1998, I saw the Nutcracker performed by The Moscow Ballet. Their
version is different than the Kirov’s, but like the Kirov they put most
of their emphasis into making the Ballet beautiful. I specially liked
the Moscow Ballet’s performance because they have lots of children join
in. One of my favorite parts was in the Dance of the Snow Flakes; they
had several girls dancing with the lady Ballerinas. Having the mix of
big and little snow flakes made the dance even more lovely and gave me
inspiration to work harder with my lessons.
I would love to dance a part from the Nutcracker in recital someday.
There are three parts I want to try. First I want to be one of the Snow
Flakes. Then I’d like to try dancing the part of the girl doll, and
after that I hope to try dancing the part of the Sugar Plum Faerie.
This link will take you to:
My Camp Report For Spring 1999
From a time just a little while after Daddy discovered me until after I
was back from camp (Spring of 1999), I had sort of been hiding. Back
when Daddy and I first got on-line we found lots of web sites about
Sailor Moon. Daddy decided I could have some Sailor Moon videos to watch
since I don't care much for the sort cartoons that are common on the
television now. I started with the very first episode and went on. From
the beginning I felt a strong kinship with Sailor Moon, but I couldn't
really bring myself to admit it. I could though imagine myself as a
Sailor Scout so I decided I would be Sailor Mercury. This is how I was
in effect hiding.
There were two reasons I decided to be Sailor Mercury instead of Sailor
Moon. The first has to do with that Tsukino Usagi (Sailor Moon) has a
number of faults. She freely admits them and she is happy with herself,
but none the less, her friends and family ridicule her on a continuing
basis. Usagi tries to improve and over time she does, but it's a slow,
hard process for her. Mizuno Ami (Sailor Mercury) on the other hand is
the ideal young lady; she is poised, studious, responsible, and well
respected. Since this is sort of the opposite of Usagi I think you can
see how, from these points, it's easier to claim connection to Ami than
to Usagi.
The second reason is more complicated and harder to explain, but I will
try. Back at the beginning of "My Diary" I mentioned how Daddy had been
on a life long search and how the search had really turned out to be
mine. I won't go into a lot of detail now, but Daddy and now I have
always had a strong sense of destiny. The feeling has and still is one
of being in training for something important. What it is though isn't
clear. The second connection with Sailor Moon comes from this. Sailor
Moon has a destiny too. She is not at all sure she wants it; neither am
I. She's scared of it; sometimes I am too. She doesn't want to let
anyone down so she knows she must face her destiny and do her best. I
know this now too. Sailor Moon faces a number of trials that strengthen
her and help prepare her for her ultimate challenge. I wonder and hope
that I too will have the experience I need and that I will have learned
the lessons well enough.
No, I don't believe that I am Sailor Moon. Her story though, has brought
me to a new point. I now understand a little more of the nature of my
destiny and know I must continue to pay attention in life, learn my
lessons, and do my best. Therefore Sailor Moon is a symbol of my
commitment. In that spirit I say: " Watakushiwa sera de bishojo senshi
Sailor Moon desu"
Yes, I am starting, slowly, to learn some Japanese. I have learned a
little about Japan and the Japanese culture from my Sailor Moon videos.
I have also read about CosPlay and how many Japanese like things like
Ballroom Dancing. Japan seems to be a place where it's still Okay to be
and like Cute, Pretty, Nice things. I like that and I think the best way
to learn more about them is to learn some of their language.
This Summer has been wonderful! We've had great weather and loads of
pretty flowers. Daddy even found time to take me out to look for
pictures quite a few times. Ever since Spring Camp I've been thinking
about how I would really like to have a dolly of my own. Yes, I have
some dolls. I have a porcelain doll Mommy gave me her name is Megin. I
also have Kate; she's a rag doll my sister Melissa gave me. At Spring
Camp I even got a Sailor Moon doll from Petricia at the birthday party.
I love my dolls and they are all very special to me. The thing is
though, at the last Camp I got to meet Catrina's dolly Lisa. Lisa is the
sort of doll you can play with. There are lots of clothes that fit her
and you can even get toys she can pretend play with. Many of my girl
friends have been getting dolls like Lisa and I think Daddy could tell I
really wanted one. So one day during the fourth of July weekend Daddy
took me shopping and he bought me a doll! She's 18 inches tall so there
are lots of clothes she can wear and toys she can play with. I named her
Michelle; Michelle has a pretty smile and she can stand up on my table
all by herself.
Over the next couple weeks Daddy and I did some more shopping and
Michelle got a school uniform with a book bag and a pretty party dress.
My friend Taffy has known for a long time that I really love yellow;
well Taffy and her Daddy were out shopping one day and she found the
prettiest yellow doll dress. The dress is Michelle's size and it came
with socks, shoes and a hair bow! Taffy knew Michelle and I would like
it so she got it for Michelle! That was such a wonderful Surprise!
Another special thing this Summer is that I am actually getting my
very first dress. I never dreamed that getting my first dress would be
so hard. I started out wanting to get my dream dress; a very special
yellow one I've been dreaming about for a long time. I can't draw so I
had to find some other way to show what I wanted it to look like. I
started searching books, catalogs, the web, and everywhere else I could
think of, but I just couldn't find one that was close. I got discouraged
and stopped for a while. My idea was that I wanted my special dress to
be just right and I would rather not get one than get one that wouldn't
really be what I hoped for. One day I had an idea on how I could get a
dress. My friend Taffeta encouraged me so I went ahead. My idea was that
I would get a different dress as my first dress. That way my heart
wouldn't be so wrapped up in it and I would be able to learn something
about getting a dress made. Then I would be better prepared to get my
special yellow dress. I decided on a white party dress with a pink sash.
I have worked out the details with the lady who is making the
dress. Daddy placed the order several weeks ago now and we're just
waiting for it to arrive.
This link will take you to:
My Camp Report For Fall 1999
This link will take you to:
My Camp Report For Spring 2000
This summer has been a wonderful time. The weather has been just right with plenty of
sunshine and rain. All of the flowers have loved it. Everything has grown so nicely and
the blooms have been very pretty and plentiful. With all the plants growing so well
there has been a real feast for the birdies too. We've had lots and lots of birdies and
baby birdies this year.
I helped Daddy put up new bird feeders this year. We put them right outside the window
where I have my computer table so I can watch the birdies while I sit here. Watching
them has been lots of fun, specially the babies. The babies are always kind of chubby
and fluffy looking compared to their parents. This year we also had baby squirrels and
bunnies that would come to eat seeds that spilled on the ground. One of the best parts
about watching the bunnies is watching them play. They have two games they play. One is
that they sit close together and take turns hopping over each other. In the other they
sit far apart then run fast toward each other. Then at the last second they leap into the
air, spin around and land sitting together. They do one or the other several times. I
guess they are tired then because they just sit for a while and hop away.
Daddy took me out several times looking for pretty pictures and we sure found lots! I
photographed flowers mostly this summer. There were so many! And they were so very
pretty! I hope you enjoy them as I put up the pictures in my Gallery. Speaking of which,
I've had lots of fun adding things on to my web site too. Since I moved I don't have a
limit on disk space. I've started a section on Sailor Moon and I am planning to add a
section on the things I learn as I study Japanese. You've probably noticed that some of
my pages have some funny looking text on them. They are little bits of Japanese written
in Hiragana. You need to have your browser set up for Japanese if you want to see them
correctly. If you want to try it, look in my questions page; I tell how I did it there.
The good part is you still see the English text too.
I was thinking it would be nice to have a toy that dollies could use, so Daddy and I
are making a Ferris Wheel. Daddy bought a bunch of little parts and I have been
painting them. I get to help while he puts it together too. I think it will be done
in a couple more weeks. Now I'm looking for some tiny dollies to ride on it. When it's
done I will put up a picture of it.
This summer I have been working a lot on my Japanese studies. I decided to learn to
write in order to give me a good way to study vocabulary words. Daddy remembers the
way he learned his English vocabulary words in school was to write them ten times each,
twice during the week. I started with Hiragana because that is the kind of Japanese
writing the children in Japan learn first. There are a total of 102 different Hiragana
characters (they don't refer to them as characters, they call them kana. The Japanese
would only refer to Kanji as characters). Actually there are 46 basic Hiragana and the
rest are variations, but since each has a unique sound, I count them all. So far, I know
78 of the Hiragana and I think I will have them all memorized in about four more weeks.
Each morning the first thing I do is write all the Hiragana I know. I have started
writing some words like the ones that mean good day, good morning, good evening, thank
you, and good bye. I'll start working on weekly vocabulary lists when I am finished
learning the Hiragana.
Now, it's almost time for Fall Camp; I'm very excited. It'll be so great to see all my
friends again! I have a new dress coming and as usual I was a little late getting it
ordered; so it will be close to see if it comes in time. I think it will though; Barbara
is very good about making sure she gets our dresses done in time for Camp.
This link will take you to:
My Camp Report For Fall 2000
Three very nice things have happened since Camp. First, in November Daddy got tickets for the
Nutcracker! This performance was by a local Ballet company and they included lots of children
from the Ballet schools. All together there must have been a hundred children in the
performance and all of them did very well. As always my favorite parts are the doll that
dances in the parlor scene at the beginning, the dance of the snowflakes, and the dance of
the Sugar Plum Faerie. The snow flakes had very fluffy tutus and they made such a pretty snow
shower. They whirled and twirled every way the wind blew them.
Then, a few days after, I wrote a note to my friend Joy about the new bulletin board for
girls called GirlTalk.To. Joy went to the board and signed up and in a few days became
very active. A few days later I was visiting GirlTalk.To and I start looking through the
new posts when I found the Joy had nominated me for a gold star. I never expected anything
like that and I just sat there for a minute feeling a little self-conscious because I didn't
think I had done anything so special. Then I smiled as I thought of Joy; she's a warm-hearted
person and a very dear friend. A couple days later, curious about what others might have
written about it, I looked back at the post again. What I found made me cry and I felt silly
doing that 'cause what I read made me feel so very warm and good inside. Several girls took
the time to write very nice things and I had been given the gold star. I'm still not sure I
deserve it, but I sure know I have a bunch of wonderful friends.
The next great thing to Happen is that Daddy got tickets for the Nutcracker! The Moscow
Ballet is here again and Daddy took me. I got to sit in the front row right in the middle.
The performance was very pretty and they had lots of new costumes. The Ballerina dancing the
part of the Kissy Doll had the biggest tutu I ever saw. The top layer was stripped satin
ruffled like ribbon candy and the ruffles were about eight or ten inches deep. The layers
under the ruffles were bright green (I would choose a different color). She danced very
nice and seemed to be having lots of fun. They had both big and little snowflakes again with
very sparkly white tutus. I hope I can dance the part a snowflake someday. The Sugar Plum
Faerie was perfect. She was so serene and danced her part perfectly. I wonder if maybe she
is a real Faerie who danced in the Ballet for something fun to do.
This link will take you to:
My Camp Report For Spring 2001
This link will take you to:
My Camp Report For Fall 2001
11, January 2002
I discovered something very important today. Daddy and I were watching a story about Mr. Ansel
Adams. Mr. Adams was a wonderful photographer who taught, by his example, many wonderful things
about making pictures. While we were watching, I got thinking about how I make pictures and
the things I love to photograph most. In the story they were talking about how Mr. Adams
understood that light was indeed the essence of photographs. This seems kind of obvious, but I
think that most people consider the objects they wish to photograph as being the essence of
their picture.
Daddy has written an article in his pages about the living spirit we believe in; you may want
to read that to better understand what I am about to say. While I was watching and thinking,
I made a wonderful discovery. I had one of those little sparkling crystal moments when I
understood something that I did not before. What I realized is, that when I photograph
something, flowers for example, and see them in their light existence, I am closer to them as
part of me. This is what leads me to photograph them in the first place.
This link will take you to:
My Camp Report For Spring 2002
This link will take you to:
My Camp Report For Fall 2002
This link will take you to:
My Camp Report For Spring 2003
This link will take you to:
My Camp Report For Fall 2003
This link will take you to:
My Camp Report For Spring 2004
To be Continued
Copyright © by Liesel Siobhan
This link will take you to:
Daddy's Life Story
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